I’ve never been the type of person to allow my anxiety, poor mental health or dissociative symptoms to stop me from going out or doing the things I want/need to do. I’ve never seen myself as a quitter. I like to try and keep all my appointments and stay as productive/busy as I possibly can. I would never cancel a therapy session because I was crippled with anxiety or feeling a bit ‘wobbly’… it just isn’t me… I see it as a sign of weakness…
Recently, I have been really struggling to stay grounded during my therapy sessions. Staying in control during my sessions is very important to me and is something I have always had to battle although never to this degree. I have no idea why… which is just adding to my frustration and embarrassment.
There’s only so much pinching, squeezing, foot tapping, nail biting and awkward jaw clenching I can cope with on a 50 minute basis before I just want the ground to swallow me up. I like to keep all my ‘parts’ under lock and key during any time spent with mental health professionals. I know it seems extremely selfish and ‘they’ probably resent me for it but I just have a really hard time with letting someone else take over during a session or an appointment. The past few weeks have been absolutely awful. It’s obvious I am struggling to stay grounded. It feels like I am drowning at times desperately trying to keep all the chaos wrapped neatly into one. It takes a lot of skill to be able to stay in control when you can slowly feel yourself slipping away. Usually I’m very good at staying in control and being able to at least try and stay somewhat grounded. Even if I’m struggling a little bit… I have learnt to hide it extremely well from years and years of practice.
Now it just seems that I am having to work myself so hard that it is taking away from what the therapy is supposed to be about. I can only imagine how ‘jumbled up’ and ‘weird looking’ I must appear whilst sat in a chair drastically trying to hold things together because of my own stubbornness. Sometimes, I think how easier it would be if I just stopped trying… but then surely that would be weak? After all, who wants to lose time? Do people enjoy being taken over by alternate states because I sure as hell don’t!?
It just seems lately, the more tired I get from trying to stay grounded during therapy sessions… the more my eyes feel heavy as if I could take a long nap…. only I wouldn’t be falling asleep…
I would be falling awake.
And the thought terrifies me.