Sometimes, I am lucky to have a few days where I feel connected and present in the here and now. I am able to notice the difference compared to how I usually am most of the time. I often wonder… if this is how things are supposed to feel… then what am I doing so wrong?
I enjoy it while I can knowing it won’t last long because before I know it the days of feeling present with both my feet on the ground are soon gone… almost like they never existed. The depersonalization hits, I feel lost and disconnected from everything and everyone. It’s a hard experience to explain. I think I’ve become so used to it that it has just become normal for me.
Although I could be feeling so ‘spaced out’ and disconnected from everyone and everything happening around me… no one would even notice. I manage to hide it so well. I guess one positive to take from this is that I’m still me while this is happening. All I can do is get on with things, keep busy, try to appear as normal as possible and hope it passes soon.
Dissociation feels like a fog. It’s a horrible fog that surrounds every aspect of my life. A fog that follows me no matter how hard I try and escape from it. A fog that stops me from feeling present and being able to truly live in the here and now. I often feel like I have one foot in this world and the other in a world of fog. Occasionally, I get lucky and my feet feel firmly placed on the ground in this world (which is how it is supposed to be), most days I have one foot in this world and the other in a world of fog and at it’s worst I get completely consumed by the fog which is when ‘someone else’ will take over and I will lose big chunks of time. Sometimes I actually find myself wondering if I will ever come back when the fog completely ‘consumes’ me… will I be lost forever? Sometimes, it feels better that way… this is usually when the suicidal feelings come creeping in.
You get thrown into a whirlwind of emotions and feelings that you can’t even start to make sense of. It’s so frustrating and immensely isolating. As much as you want to, you can’t even try and explain to someone what it feels like because the truth is… they just can’t understand. It’s also difficult to try and make someone else understand what is happening to you when you don’t even fully understand it yourself.
All we can do is keep going forward whatever direction that may be… forever searching and forever hoping… that one day we will actually be able to find the way out of this hellish fog and live a life worth living. And when I say live… I don’t mean to be alive… I mean to truly live because if I’m honest I have no idea what that actually feels like❤