I try not to write about things that I deem too personal but with this… I think I will make an exception. Cutting a long story short… I had an introduction to someone that would be completing an assessment for the NHS commissioners to recommend some sort of treatment plan regarding my dissociation.
I expected it to be uncomfortable to some extent. I knew I would be meeting someone new and there would be some anxiety. I had also mentally prepared myself that it would be challenging and there was a possibility a few difficult questions would be asked. Not to mention the rest! Anyway, I can honestly say that I left the room feeling somewhat disgusted, confused and frustrated. I thought therapists are trained in a way to make you feel comfortable and at ease… even more so when it was your first time meeting them. It felt the complete opposite for me. Could it of been any worse? I don’t want to go into too much detail but after the session, I had a whole bunch of feelings floating around and at first I wasn’t sure if I was entitled to feel or own any of them… I guess it’s very easy to spend too much time over-thinking, over-worrying and over-processing things… I can be guilty of this at times… who isn’t? However, this time I wouldn’t let myself. I know that I cannot change what happened in that appointment and I cannot magically go back in time and react differently or make myself feel differently about it. The appointment was over and done with but I was left with a choice about how I was going to deal with it and move on from it.
Although it was difficult at first, I used a lot of mindfullness techniques which actually really helped. It put things into a better perpespective which allowed me to think about things but not over focus on them in a way that would be detrimental to me. I also found being able to feel entitled to my feelings which was something I could never previously do has also made it more easier for me and lastly, focusing about moving on from the situation in a positive manner has also been a great help rather than repeatedly focusing on the negatives. I can’t say it’s been easy but at least I know I’m making a conscious effort to try even when everything tells me it would be pointless. Things don’t always go to plan I guess!