Depersonalisation, Depression, Dissociation, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Insomnia, Mental health, Uncategorized

Still Trying To Sleep When The Rest Of The World Is Waking Up…

It’s so exhausting living in a body that wants to survive and a mind that wants to die. It feels like I am constantly at war with myself. Being able to sleep is one of the hardest things for me and has been now for many years. It gets really frustrating. A lack of sleep really does take a toll on you, physically and mentally.

Insomnia, also known as sleeplessness, is a sleep disorder where people have trouble sleeping. They may have difficulty falling asleep, or staying asleep as long as desired. Anxiety, stress and depression are some of the most common causes of chronic insomnia. As if it wasn’t bad enough already, not getting enough sleep can also make anxiety, stress, and depression symptoms worse…

I have literally tried everything you can think of to try and get a good nights sleep but nothing ever works. I hate taking medication as it makes me really groggy and tired the next day (making me feel like I haven’t slept anyway) and it’s not something I want to get myself addicted to either. It just seems I am continously fighting a losing battle. I can get myself into bed for about 10PM and still be wide awake at 6AM. The amount of tossing and turning is unreal… not to mention the teeth grinding! It’s horrible. InsomniaCan you imagine trying to fall asleep for more than 5 hours every night?! I know I would much rather spend my time doing something else. My head never seems to be able to switch off. My body is always tense and stiff. I cannot relax. The ‘inner noise’ never seems to be able to quieten down. I can control my own ‘headspace’ but what can I do about the ‘rest’ that I have no control of what so ever? It’s hard to make sense of what is happening and I can never fully understand it. There’s only so many times I can scream “shut up!” and cover my head with a pillow before it just gets pointless. Nobody is listening. It’s just a shame it wasn’t the other way around…

So very often I will hear the world waking up around me whilst I am still exhausted and desperately clinging onto the hope of drifting off. I will hear my neighbours get up and get ready for work. I will hear the slow build up of traffic outside. I will hear the birds singing and see the gleaming light of the sunrise slowly peek through my curtains. It gets lonely. Imagine being awake whilst everyone else is asleep? That sucks. However now, I will have the problem of being asleep whilst everyone else is awake…. I will be trapped in a dream land that was robbed from me the night before. If that isn’t a nightmare then tell me what is… insomnia sucks… and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.

 

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