I have had a lot of things on my mind. Keeping busy only works so long before these things slowly start to creep into your head space. The amount of disturbed sleep I’ve been having lately was probably a big clue that things have been a little bit unsettled. I had the most horrible night last night. I fell asleep but was woke up with the biggest body jolt I have ever experienced. Even my dog looked shocked! I managed to get back to sleep but then my mind started to dream about me being thirsty and gulping down extreme amounts of water… I woke up again… thirsty as hell where I stumbled into the kitchen and chugged down over a litre of bottled water. It was 3AM and I never managed to go back to sleep. I was still feeling thirsty. I was obviously really dehydrated without realising it which hasn’t happened in a while. My obsessive compulsive rituals also seem to have worsened lately… *All warning signs*
I know I have a lot to think about such as choosing whether I accept an offer of therapy in the community within my hometown or going to a residential unit over 200 miles away. Not only that, but someone wants to start dating me! Bad timing? Who knows? So yeah… One of my biggest worries is choosing what therapy I go for. I don’t know what to do. I feel so lost. The unit is what I was hoping for because of my high risk and I generally think therapy could tip me or one of my parts over the edge which usually ends up with me (or them) having numerous stitches, being admitted to hospital or getting sectioned. I really don’t want that and the last time this happened really frightened me. If I was in a unit at least there would be staff there 24/7 and I would have more support. If I was in community, I honestly could not guarantee my own safety. I doubt I would even be able to reach out for help. I am as stubborn as they come! However, with that being said, I have really began to like the therapist. I really disliked her at first but she seems to have grown on me in more ways than one.
I also worry about how I will ever learn to gradually to let my feelings come, to notice them, to tolerate them (all the time in the presence of another person) without shame taking over? I know it is a long, hard process. In some respects I long for it if it means I can start to heal but at the shame time it fills me with absolute dread. I unconsciously learnt that all feelings are a weakness. Acknowledging them is weak. Showing them in front of others is weak. Letting them affect me is weak. Not all feelings though…. just the ‘bad’ ones. I have no idea how I’m supposed to just ‘let out’ 26 years of feelings in a therapy setting or why I would even want to. I know I need to do it to heal but still! I can’t help but think… will it make me the very thing I have tried to avoid for so many years?… weak! Most people are actually shocked when I tell them I get regular botox on my jaw just to keep a straight face and to help with all the pain from the constant teeth grinding and jaw clenching. The sad truth is, they have no idea how much effort it takes me just to appear ‘somewhat normal’ considering the amount of stress my mind and body is constantly under. I hold myself well. I admit that. I hold myself so well that people will not even notice my distress or overwhelming anxiety. The only time I will crumble is usually when another dissociative part takes over or if I am completely alone. Then there’s the whole dating thing which I will save for another time… Everything seems to be swirling around in my head demanding to be addressed. I know I have lots of decisions to make. I just really hope I am able to make the right ones.