I don’t like writing much about my personal life because I’m a very private person. When I started this blog, it was always clear to me that it would be a survivors blog and not a victims blog. I don’t really post much about myself and what I go through. My blog aims to inspire and raise awareness. I have never wanted to be seen as someone who moans about things but today I am far from positive.
I have been waiting over 2 weeks for a hospital bed in a inpatient ward and still no news. I find it absolutely shocking but this is the NHS in 2018… From what I can understand, my brain had gone into sympathetic mode leaving my body in complete overdrive… if that wasn’t tiring enough… my mood just seemed to take a big dip when it finally started to settle… I’ve been trying to deal with everything as much as I can but it just doesn’t seem to be going away! I can’t shift this mood away no matter what I’ve tried. I feel very much alone with these dark thoughts that only seem to be getting more and more darker with every day that passes. Depression is such a cruel punishment. There are no fevers, no rashes, no blood tests to have people scurrying in concern, just the slow erosion of self, as insidious of cancer. It’s a constant battle of a mind slowly destroying itself with a body wanting to live. I wish I could just take a magic pill and make everything better💊
Sadly, it just doesn’t work like that. With all the medication I have been on over the years… I know more than anyone that it just doesn’t help. I’m hoping things start to even out soon because it really is exhausting! In mental health, patients who do not fit neatly into categories always fall between services… this has been my experience for the past 11 years. I have no idea what category I fit in. I don’t even think I have one anymore because every one that they put me in turned out to be wrong! I feel I might as well be beyond any help when it comes to any relapse with my mental health. I feel like I have had to do most of it alone. Home treatment are a service that are supposed to support people in the community that are in a mental health crisis. I have no idea how they are supposed to do this when no one even understands my symptoms. I bet they don’t even know what dissociative identity disorder even is. I bet they don’t even know what the word dissociation even means! It shouldn’t be my job to educate people that work in the mental health sector. How am I to rely on people for help when they haven’t a clue about the condition that is causing me a relapse in the first place? I bet if I had a form of schizophrenia or bipolar…. they might actually be useful because then I would fit neatly into the shitty categories that they happen to have so much knowledge and support for😔The system is broken. I’m broken. I can’t put myself back together and neither can they. I doubt by the time a bed becomes available, they’ll be anything left to try and piece back together anyway🥜