I have been an inpatient for around a week now. I was on the bed list in the community for around 4 weeks but there wasn’t any available. I was coping as best as I could under the circumstances and had the home treatment team involved but it wasn’t long before I reached an absolute breaking point. It was to be expected in all fairness. I’m not going to go into all the reasons as I’m a very private person but I knew I wasn’t coping. I think everyone around me noticed I wasn’t coping. It’s just a shame as I feel my crisis moment could have all been avoided had they of just found me a bed in the first place. An absolute night of chaos involving an ambulance with very concerned paramedics and a police section landed me in this place. Hadn’t it been for a friend messaging me out of the blue in the early hours of the morning… I would probably be dead right now.
It hasn’t even sunk in yet. I hate being restricted to the ward because I have always been very independent. I miss my pets an awful lot and hate being away from them. I feel like I have let them all down. I can’t be there for them when I am unwell… I know this but it still doesn’t make it any better. I also worry about the ‘others’ that occupy my mind and how they are all coping with the change. I’ve tried to make my hospital bed a cozy place with a few of Lily’s things. I’m trying to think about the ‘others’ somehow which is new and hopefully a step in the right direction. In other news when I first arrived, I found the staff were rude and unhelpful but I’m slowly starting to get used to it now. Some of them aren’t as bad once you get to know them. I just always have a tendency to push people away when I’m like this. I struggle to ask for help when I need it most. I take each day as it comes.
My mind is caught in a cross wire of wanting to reach out for help but wanting to run away from it all at the same time. Sometimes, I think I must be beyond any help a place like this can offer me. I will openly admit that I haven’t felt this unwell in years. Its been an absolute whirlwind of destruction and mess and I have exhausted myself out trying to hold all the pieces together. I know there was an incident earlier on in the week where I was taken from the ward to the hospital via ambulance. It sucks really… because you would think I would be safe in a place like this but obviously not. I don’t expect the staff to do it all for me… I know it works both ways and the only person that can keep me safe is me… Yet it seems I fail over and over again. I am trying to make an extra effort to communicate with the staff more so we will see how that goes. In the meantime, I seem to have been hit by a wave of panic attacks just completely out of the blue. It’s worrying and stressful. All I can do is get on with things and try not to think about it. If one comes then it will come but I refuse to stress myself out further by waiting nervously for the next one to hit me. I’m trying to hang on as best as I can! Anyway, I think this is enough for part 1. I have ward round with the consultant tomorrow so maybe I will give an update soon❤️